Open Letter To The Ohio State University

Dear Buckeyes,
Please stop making it to the BCS Title Game. You are ruining the end of the season by being completely non-competitive, and we're sick and tired of it. I understand that some of the blame lies with WVU and Missouri, but still. And I don't want to hear about how this was a rebuilding year either, and that you're not upset. I live in Columbus and you all thought you would walk away with the trophy this season. Newsflash: you're not very good. Again, please give it up, and stick with the Rose Bowl or something. You're tainting this for all of us with your annual blowout at the hands of some team that just isn't that great. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
College Football

P.S. Please beat the hell out of Michigan.

In Other News

The Golden Hurricanes of Tulsa (mascot shown above) are beating the dogpiss out of Bowling Green. I consider this fitting for 2 reasons.

1. BGSU has begged and pleaded for Ohio State fans in nearby New Orleans for the championship game to come and support them. They didn't sell many tickets and want some charitable Buckeye state contributions. I find this weak, and I believe the Falcons should be punished accordingly by the football gods. I know WVU returned a bunch of tickets for the Fiesta, but there looked to be WAY more than 10,000 Mountaineer fans in attendance. Thank you EBAY and StubHub!

2. Tulsa Head Coach Todd Graham and Co-offensive coordinator (I still think it should be Offensive Co-coordinator, but I digress) Herb Hand are both from the WVU system of coaches. I liked both men very much when they were in Morgantown, and it is no surprise that they are successful.

With all that being said, Tulsa has the most ridiculous mascot I've ever seen. It looks like a deranged empty ice cream cone with legs, tights, and a cape. Incredible.

Also: Paul Smith is a damn good quarterback. There might not be another Patrick White in our future, but there seems to be a plethora of great spread QB's out there for the finding. I have complete faith in our new staff, whoever they are, to keep up our level of success. Have I mentioned that I love Bill Stewart?

On a Totally Unrelated Note

Bailey's is delicious.

Paul Maguire makes me want to stab out my eardrums with a sharpened pencil when he's on the broadcast. God, he's awful. We've had him, Dave Barnett, and Pam Ward all in one day. Ugh. Get me a job in the booth!! Sadly, I curse too much.

I really hate the son of a bitch from the Astrive Student Loan commercials. "It's a better option than a high interest credit card!" No shit asshole. Thanks for the PSA.

Bob Griese - "No booze, no tobacco, no gambling, no sex...Maguire could never go to BYU, let me tell you that." I CAN'T BELIEVE HE JUST SAID THAT ON THE AIR!!! And Maguire agreed with him!

Akron v Miami (OH)

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Holy crap does this game suck ass. This is absolutely putrid. And OSU beat this Akron team 20-2. Outstanding. And yes, that is a drunken Ben Roethlisberger before facial reconstruction and bionic limbs.

Friday Night Pillowfight: Nevada v New Mexico State

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You know what? I'm going to drink some rum and liveblog this damn thing. YEEHA!! Yes, this is my life...

UPDATE: On second thought, there is no one at this game. Not a soul. If the home crowd isn't bothering to watch it, why should I? Well, because I have nothing else to do. But I'm going to take a stand and refrain from wasting my time blogging about it. For now. Yum, rum.

DOUBLE UPDATE: This has been an unbelievable game since halftime. This is why I love college football so much. Absolutely brilliant offensive effort by both teams in the 2nd half. I feel bad for people not watching this. OMFG A MISSED EXTRA POINT!! I'm calling it now, NMSU comes back to win on a field goal now that the deficit is only 2. Wow.

Well, shit. The Nevada kicker will now survive the night, and the New Mexico State kid will be the goat. Either way, this was a fantastic game. I know it meant nothing, and no one was there, but it was a hell of a game. This is just one more reason we all love college football. I really feel for that NMSU kicker though. Ugh.

Virginia Tech v Georgia Tech

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This game should, well, suck. On a brighter note, some of the Virginia Tech jerseys were stolen/lost, so several players will be wearing Georgia Tech jerseys altered by magic marker. Also, both teams are rated 100+ in total offense. I love ACC football.

EDIT: Antonio Freeman just did the worst player introduction of all time. I don't think he knows any of their names, is able to read their names, or speaks English. I do think he's a complete idiot, and we are all now more stupid for listening to him try to speak. Hokie football player academics are outstanding people!

Florida State v Wake Forest

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Oh my.

Full Coverage of Navy v Pitt

Join the fun over at West BY GOD Virginia. There's absolutely no need for every West Virginia blog on the net to do this game. Thus, I will just be commenting on their live blog for the rest of the evening. Unless, of course, something of note takes place. Sadly, considering who's playing this game, I doubt anything of note is actually possible.

Navy v Pitt: Wednesday Night Pillow Fight

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Ladies and gentlemen, and fellow Mountaineers, this is going to be one hell of a pillow fight. Navy (3-2) vs. Pitt (2-3) is a veritable smorgasbord (spelled correctly Editor, I looked it up)of crappy football and underachieving players running bizarro offenses. We get to see the triple option run to mediocrity by the Midshipmen against Pitt's 9th ranked total defense. No, really, their D is ranked 9th. I know, I was fucking blown away too. We also get to see LeSean McCoy do virtually everything for Pitt. He's like the poor man's Darren McFadden (who, being from Arkansas, is already the poor man's McFadden, but myself being from West Virginia, I digress). McCoy plays QB, RB, and occasionally wideout, and honestly, he's pretty fucking good. Too bad he can't block, tackle, or coach.

There will be approxomately 30,000 yellow clad fans in Heinz Field to witness this fucking debacle, and by fans, I mean empty seats. I would like to pick the Panthers, as the Big East could be served well if those dipshits would get their once-powerful (read when they used to cheat their balls off) program out of the pooper and back to some level of respectability. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how much you loathe the modern day puttytats, Pitt has virtually no chance of pulling this off. Why you ask, can they likely not beat a lame ass military academy squad? Well, friend, because THIS is their coach. Jesus, I'm so glad he's at Pitt. I would only be more satisfied if he were coaching those bastards the Hokies. Or Ohio State. Yeah, the Browneyes with Wannstedt, that would be great. Or it wouldn't matter at all, because the rest of the Big Ten lies down when they play the Browneyes anyway. I mean, Purdue throws the ball all over the yard in normal play, then run up the gut every play against tOSU. It's almost like they're being paid to let tOSU win. Considering the Browneyes' past, maybe we're on to something there. Enough rambling.

Navy, on the other hand, got absolutely blown the fuck out by a potentially very crappy Rutgers side, making it impossible to pick them either. I mean, they really, really suck. To make matters worse, they then cried about being taunted by a bunch of filthy guidos who have nothing to live for outside of trash covered beaches, greasy acne-splotched women with bad accents, and canolis, until they were given a formal apology. For the love of all that is holy, if they can't handle verbal abuse from illiterate Jersey trash, how can they defend our freedom anyway? Those skirts wouldn't even survive one night at Envy or Bent Willey's, those places are like Brunswick South. But that's beside the point, which I'm finally getting to.

The point is as follows. This "football game" is a matchup of absolutely atrocious squads running goofy offenses with emotionally over-sensitive "players". Will I watch it? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will I enjoy it? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will it be a good game? Highly, highly doubtful.

Regardless, I'm going with my heart on this one (I always root for Big East teams out of conference, regardless of how much I would normally despise them) and taking Pitt. Pitt 27, Navy 23 (Navy gets 3 tuds(thanks Shannon Sharpe) and a safety when Pat Bostick has a nervous breakdown, pisses his pants, and lies in the fetal position in the end zone after seeing his GF with another dude in the stands).

For a real analysis of this game, head over to a fine website run by some dudes whose email address I can't find. It really is a good website, and I really can't find their email address. This being new to blogging thing kind of sucks once in a while.

On that note, peace out. I'll keep all of you riveted readers updated during the game, and will be adding a brand new Daily Devastation tomorrow after work. Devastation is delightful.

Rice v Southern Miss. Hey, It Beats Watching Playoff Baseball!

-Yes, that douchebag of The Bachelor fame (oh, by the way, he was also a fucking terrible QB in the NFL), Jesse Palmer, is the analyst for this game. Gah.

-I'm interested to see what Jarrett Dillard looks like. I've heard alot about the kid being a star, but I've never actually seen him play...

-If you're a kicker with the last name Barefoot, it is so fucking lame that you're not actually a barefoot kicker. I guess that's what I've come to expect from a crap squad like Southern Miss.

-And to make a crappy game even more crappy, the QB for So Miss is out of the game. To quote the analyst "you have to wonder what the coach's mindset is on the sideline". I'll give you one fucking guess, and it's probably something like "Oh fuck."

-"Oh fuck" indeed. Pickoff by Rice DE for a 58 yard return. Nothing like watching slow, undersized, white defensive players try to get to the house. I've never seen a more unathletic return...

-Touchdown Jarrett Dillard. Nothing spectacular there though. It looks like an A-bomb went off behind the endzone on that side. It's worse that the fucking Mountaineer field peace garden.

-It is seriously painful to listen to Jesse Palmer during this broadcast. Jesus.

-I think Rice just did a mass substitution and put the entire Louisville defense on the field. 7-7 after PAT into ground zero.

-Scratch that. USM has the Louisville defense. 14-7 Rice. This isn't so bad after all.........yet.

-Robin Roberts just said Mississippi is open for business. Those state slogan stealing bastages!!!

-Damn, Rice almost looks like a real football team! Great sack and turnover there at the USM 10. Fucking Marshall might really go winless. Sadly I can't rejoice too much in the Herd's misery, as they are fucking up WVU's strenth of schedule. But then, so are Louisville, Rutgers, Pitt, Syracuse, Mississippi State, and the rest of the goobers we play. Tip of the hat to Cincy and UConn though.

-Rice TD. 21-7

-Jesse Palmer is sweating like a whore in church.

-The scourge that is Zombie Nation has affected our friends in Mississippi. Also, all Rice students are designated to a "residential college" instead of a dorm. Umm, where have I heard that before?

-The C-USA commercial is telling. Note how Marco, the Herd mascot pushes the cat thing after the play is well over, then gives a late shot to the owl as well. They are real pieces of shit at Marshall.

-Rice has won 7 straight Conference USA games? Did I fucking hear that right?! Hoooly shit, C-USA is even worse than I thought it was.

-YES!! I just saw a Pacman Jones TNA wrestling commercial. Sweet!

-If USM's receivers could catch so much as a venerial disease, this game would be tied at 21. I'm sad. I'm hoping for overtime.

-In response the dropped pass/missed opportunity, Rice promptly picks the ball off and returns in into USM territory. As I type this, Rice throws a wretched interception. USM ball at their own 8.

-USM punt, Rice drive, Dillard TD #2. 28-7 Rice. I didn't see this coming.

-Have I mentioned I fucking HATE Jesse Palmer.

-Alright, that does it. At 31-7 I'm calling it quits. It's been a valiant effort on my part, but I'm watching the rest of this nonsense from bed.

Why Do I Love West Virginia? and assorted other ramblings...

Well, because it is a magical place, perhaps the last bastion of freedom, justice, and well, pure stupidity. It is the only place where things like this can happen. Montani semper liberi, Mr. Ginevan, montani semper liberi. FYI, my favorite line is where the police report says the guy "sped away" (well, other than the line that states they found a case of beer strapped to the front of the lawnmower). Somehow, though, he was caught on foot. Bizarre use of terminology there, but entertaining nonetheless.

My WHAT THE FUCK?! moment of the day came when I saw this. Friends, this is a sad, fucked up world we be livin' in. I mean, people get paid for riding bulls? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Let the record show that for the second time in two days, I will be the only person in America (maybe the entire universe) watching college football tonight. I'm sure some lowly Conference USA fans will be paying attention, but they don't really count as people. Rice vs Southern Miss, 8PM EST on ESPN2, yeehah! Those 2 links are awesome!

FUCK, we let the terrorists win!!! Damn you Rich!!!

On a final note to those of you who hate Louisville, and I know there are at least a few of you, you will certainly enjoy this tidbit. As if their season wasn't down the toilet already (I still fear their visit to Morgantown, mostly because I figure even those dumbfucks can stop a bubble screen against press coverage), their beloved running back George Stripling is the latest in a long-line of arrests and/or suspensions this season. Louisville fans, you have been Kragthorped!! That little ditty there is the fine work of John Radcliff at the Fanhouse on AOL.