Monday, January 7, 2008
Oklahoma Fan Crushed By WVU Beatdown
AP - Norman, OK.
On January 1, 2008, country music star Toby Keith cut a piece of video for use by Fox on its Oklahoma-West Virginia Fiesta Bowl Broadcast. In the video Keith interrupts the singing of "Take Me Home, Country Roads" in order to suck the balls of the Sooners and tell us all what a great fan he is. When asked about disrespecting the state song of West Virginia and the potential backlash from WVU fans, Keith replied, "I don't give a fuck about western Virginia. They're a bunch of goddam redneck idiots. They aren't sophisticated, educated, and rich like us here Oklahomans. They got no cows, no corn, and no sweet stinky heartland cheebah."
According to the "experts", the Mountaineers also had no chance to win the game. The West Virginia University football squad was unanimously picked as a heavy underdog for the Fiesta Bowl, based on their atrocious loss to Pitt to end the season, and the backdoor buttfuck sneakout by their former head coach and current asshole Dick Fraudriguez. Brian Jones, a well known dickface from CSTV screamed unintelligible gibberish at the top of his lungs about the WVU team being one-dimensional. Afterwards, Jones would not comment other than to say, "I will never give that bunch of inbred hillbillies any credit. I'm an assface and always will be." He then gave Trev Alberts an inappropriate pat on the groin.
To make matters worse for the Mountaineers, Fraudriguez has stiffed the university on his $4 million buyout as part of his scorched earth policy against the state of West Virginia, the university, West Virginia natives, pets, children, Christians, vegetarians, and babies. Fraudriguez was unavailable for comment and would only say, "I don't address rumors or innuendo. You ask me one more question about those ignorant fuckers and I'll cry like a bitch and walk out of here. I'm here to talk about hairplugs, and hairplugs only. Rita! Grab your mask off the floor and let's get the hell out of here."
As far as football is concerned, once the game got underway the Mountaineers unleashed all of their pent up aggression and curbstomped the stunned, slowfooted Sooners. OU had no idea how overmatched they were speedwise for this game, and it showed. WVU scored at will and the final result was a 48--28 blowout. This was surprising to no one except the entire nation outside of West Virginia.
In his post-game presser, Toby Keith did not shy away from his earlier remarks, but was clearly shocked. "Well, to be honest with you, western Virginia was better than I thought they'd be considering that they ain't got no tradition or nothin'. I mean, shit, Oklahoma's been good for like 8 years or some shit. Western Virginia isn't even its own state and John Denver sucked. I do have friends in Richmond though, so I'm kinda happy for them, I guess. I mean, it's nice when a I-AA school can win a big game like that, I'm just sad it had to be against Oklahoma. And don't forget, Oklahoma didn't even care about this game, so they didn't really play hard. That's how we roll out here. If it ain't for all the marbles, it don't mean shit. Yeah, that's it. Fuck it, I need to get out here. I need to go freshen up my perm-mullett and write some terrible songs that make money off of our soldiers' misfortune in Iraq and Afghanistan. "
Back home amongst the aforementioned Country Roads, the people of West Virginia rejoiced for approximately 45 minutes before they began bitching about their new head coach. After all, Bill Stewart had only led them through the most tumultuous time school history and won, perhaps, the biggest victory ever for the Mountaineers in dominating fashion. Based upon this damning evidence, it's clear that Stewart doesn't have what it takes to coach West Virginia University football, and has much left to prove.